once you pop out, its every man for himself.

I find it so hard to believe that people really care so much for unborn babies but dont even relaize that they dont give a shit about people who are already alive.

we are sending thousands of soldiers over to iraq only to be killed. how is that different? once your born no one gives a shit. they only care about you when your UNborn.

also, what about the starving and homeless people in our country? no one cares about them because we are too busy caring for those who are UNborn.

if people stood outside and help huge posters about helping people who are dying to make ends meet, people who are starving, people who dont have enough money to have good healthcare insurance so they have to sell their own home in order to fight breast cancer, then i might feel a little less bitter about people who fight against abortion. but the cold hard truth is, once you pop out its every man for his fucking self.

now, i am so sorry if you feel that i am not christian because i care about poor people and people going over to war and people who are starving and dying of medical issues. i am sorry that caring about those things isnt christian. i am sorry that because i am for a woman choosing what to do with her own body that it makes me unchristian. i am sorry that not wanting the government to tell me what i can and cannot do with my uteris makes me un christian. i am sorry that i know how to keep myself from getting pregnant but that the thousands of girls who dont know how or physically cannot because of rape or insest arent getting a voice because the government says they cant choose what to do with themselves. but your right, because i care about other people, who are living, who i know, that makes me unchristian.

i feel like people are so hypocritical of this issue because they dont give a shit about you once your born but the second you pop out, its goodye help and hello to a life where they could potentially be dying anyways due to war or illness that they cant afford to take care of. lets take care of the living first, help them finish their lives without suffering, and THEN worry about a fetus that has no brain or heartbeat yet. and dont argue that they do because by the time they develope that it is too late to have an abortion according to medical laws.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.

ps. if anyone reading this has anything bad to say against me, like the 2 people whos comments i just deleted, DO NOT WRITE ME. i am tired of hearing from you ignorant people. i repeat DO NOT COMMENT ON THESE IF YOU DONT LIKE THEM. its my own opinions and i dont directly attack you for yours.

any vagina will do.

let me start by saying, what an insult to american women. does this whole “im gonna pick a woman to be my vp” really fool anyone? yes there are people out there, women i might add, who wanted to see a woman, HILIARY CLINTON, in office and are bitter that she did not get the nomination. but john mccain thinks that by picking any old woman to be his vp that all the hiliary supporters will vote for him just because of that. but what an insult. picking the most right wing republican woman he could find, who stands for the exact opposite of everything hiliary stands for and has contributed to womens rights is an insult. what he doesnt realize is that he has just pissed off alot of people because of his little brain thinking that any vagina will do. anyone who supported hiliary is no doubt going too vote for me now because i have a woman running with me! i for one am highly insulted by this.

john mccain does not have a brain in his thick skull and if i hear one more word about how amazing palin is i am going to go insane. i also love the hipocracy that comes with all the religous right people who told me 4 years ago that a woman could never run this country. that a woman could never do what a man does. (girls telling me this, mind you.) and now all of the sudden are huge supporters of this woman who will most likely be running this country since mccain is so old he will probably die in office.

there are so many good republican women out there who stand for womens rights and who have alot of the same views as hiliary clinton did. but instead he chose the youngest, hottest, most direct opposite woman of the person that half of americans wanted to see in office. does anyone see the hole he has just dug himself? people are pissed. and i like how people are trying to turn it around as a good thing and say how happy people are with his choice. might i remind everyone that he met her one time before he announced her as his VP.

it makes me sick when she insults Barack Obama saying things like “he has no foreign policy experience” when she in fact, was a governor for a year and a half, ALSO has no foreign policy experience, repeatedly insults his want for change in our economy accusing him of raising taxes and denying global warming and calling it a “myth.”

lets touch on her other issues that people are directly insulting me for such as teaching creationism in schools. asking me “dont you believe in god?” heres my answer:
creationism is a belief based on the bible, evolution is a scientific FACT proven through careful scientific observation. one belongs in a science class, and one belongs in a theology class. im not against them teaching creationism in schools, just not in science classes because its not science. of course i believe in god, and dont question that again. i dont expect to be taught religion in a science class anymore than i would want to learn science in a religion class. and just like i think they should be able to teach both, why cant i believe in both?

now how about her strict anti abortion policy, but her inability to teach her own daughter abstinence. how about how abstinence is the only way and how it worked so well for her 17 year old daughter who is pregnant with an 18 year olds child. how about that being 17, her mother is still in charge of her and it is illegal for her to get married at the age of 17.  now the argument is that she cannot control what her daughter did because she did the best she possibly could as a mother and her daughter chose not to listen. heres my anwer:
sarah palin wants everyone to educate their children the same way that is, abstinence as the only form of birth control. her firm position on sex education is ABSTINENCE ONLY. if she has her way, schools wont teach contraception, safe sex, or any other medically proven methods of preventing unwanted pregnancy and STD’s. thats a policy issue not a parenting issue. so if you really want to reduce the number of abortions in america, start by reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies. i mean, imagine if her way of teaching her daughter was the norm in public schools around america, abstinence only as a sex education curriculum is a failure and hher daughter is proof of that. thats the real issue here, not what her daughter did.

thank you america. if you vote this man and woman into office you can bet your ass she’ll be pushing him around in a wheelchair. if you vote them into office, we will keep going downhill, make no progress in this country and have another pair of hypocritic idiots running this country.

Obama. My hero.

If you dont like Obama, democrats that speak their mind, or me talking about politics, dont comment on this post. dont say anything to me about it. You can read but if you dont have anything nice to say then just dont.

I have done my research. i have registered to vote. i have watched numerous speeches and debates, commercial advertisements for both parties, and i have had discussions and arguments where i have both listened and spoken my mind about these issues. tonight when Barack Obama took the podium to make his speech at the Democratic National Convention, i cried my eyes out. It amazes me how much this country is in need of him right now. people say hes too good to be true and make ridiculous comments towards him in offence like “if Obama wins would it still be called the white house?” you people have got to be kidding me. He made a huge point by saying that just because John Mccain says he cares about America, doesnt mean he cares about it any more than anyone else. Just because Mccain has served this country does not make him any more eligable to be president. WE ALL care about this country, and anyone who accuses him or anyone else of anything less than that knows nothing about what it means to be patriotic. The most american thing we can do for our country is to have a leader who wants to work FOR us not against us. for the last 8 years George W. Bush has had a different agenda than helping us. he has worked for himself, trying to continue his fathers work, letting the economy sink into termoil, and forgetting all about what we as a country stand for. Tonight, Barack Obama said “We love our country too much to let the next 4 years look like the last 8.” and he is so right. Mccain is George Bush the third and will do nothing to help or change the sinking america we live in. He spoke with the power of a leader, the strength of a soldier, and the wisdom of a man who knows exactly what he wants to see happen with the country that WE ALL care about more than anything.

I want this change more than anything. I want to know that i am ingood hands, that my family no longer has to suffer from the effects of the sinking economy, that i am able to have an education at the University of Kansas that WONT put my parents through bankrupsey. I need to know that no matter what, my family and i will be protected and will not have to sell our house and resort to government help because frankly, the government has done nothing to help us so far. I need to know that more jobs are being created so that when i graduate from college i wont have to fear not being able to work, and not being able to support myself, start a family or get married. I want so badly to be able to give my children the things they need and bring them into a world where i am able to support them and where i am well off enough to send them to a good school so that they too can fulfill their own dreams and goals.

I have been attacked so many times, been called unpatriotic, and been called “unchristian” for my beliefs in politics. But i dont care. I believe that this country has been taking the steepest downhill slope for the last 8 years and nothing can be done to help that unless we make a change. like Obama also said, how can we keep making the same decisions and expect different results? we cant.

Do the research. Listen to what he has to say. Think about what you want in your life, and what you DESERVE. think about how many of us our suffering from the economy and how many of our loved ones are dying over seas for something that has not solved any of our countrys problems but made them worse. think people. THINK. His race doesnt matter, we should be past that by now. we should be moving on to the REAL issues at hand like the war and the economy. Get over the fact that he is not the typical man we elect to run this country, get over it. We need this now more than ever.

I have never felt so inspired by a politician before. If i was in Colorado i would be campagning for him like there is no tomorrow! but since i cant, from now on i will sport the Obama Pin and the “Barack Chalk Jayhawk” sign ever single day until he is elected. YES WE CAN!

trust.

where does trust come in in a relationship? is it when you start being friends or lovers? is it the first time you meet someone, or after a few dates? or is it after years of friendship? how can we ever know if we can fully trust someone in our lives? we may think we know someone and call them our “best friend” and one day they start hiding things and going behind your back because they think being honest and telling you whats going on will make you mad.
in the long run, what makes you more mad…someone not telling you and you finding out through someone else something huge an serious about your best friends life, or telling you the truth up front.
ill tell you my take, i would rather be told because at least then it would be out in the open and i would have to learn to accept it. but instead, people get this crazy idea in their heads that in order to not hurt someone, they just wont tell them. which constitutes as lying in my book.
after seven years of friendship you would think that trust wouldnt even be an issue by now. but instead its just beginning. i am learning that it doesnt matter how many years you have known someone, how long you loved them, or how much you both invest in the relationship. at one point or another people begin to challenge your trust and make you re-think just how much you actually can have faith in that person.
it doesnt matter that they’re sorry and say the’ll never do it again, cause they lied once, or several times for that matter, and how do i know they wont do it again? cause they gave me their word? well their word is kind of shot to hell now dont you think?
how am i supposed to trust someone who hides things from me because they “dont want to hurt my feelings”? how am i supposed to pick up where we left off and start telling them everything again, and why should i?
trust is huge for me. i have had alot of reasons on the past to not trust people, but for some reason it has never stopped me from having faith in the human race and trusting everyone. but lately this doesnt even seem lagit to me. why havent i been scarred by the past incidences of mistrust? i think this one has scarred me.
i am one of the most trustworthy people i know of. i dont tell secrets, if you ask me a question ill be honest to the best of my ability, and i have alot of people who confide in me. if i were to break that one day and hurt someone who gave me their trust, i would be heartbroken. i pride myself in my ability to gain peoples trust and i would never abuse that, especially on someone i care about this much.
i want to trust people, but now i question why i ever did. no one cares about anyone but themseleves.

did i do the right thing?

so today the swim team got all their brand new equipment, and living with 2 swimmers, of course i got to see what they handed out this year. for some reason all the stuff this year just seems so much cooler than last year. the backpacks are bigger, the planner is flashier, the sports bras are multi-colored and they got 4 pairs of shorts instead of 3. it made me sad and jealous to see all their new stuff. i wanted it. i know it just seemed so much cooler because i cant have it anymore. i know that that was one of the perks that came with being an athlete. i love my schedule this semester. LOVE IT. and i know that from now on its not going to be my first pick. so all of these things are leaving me with this feeling of insecurity about retiring from diving. i need to keep reminding myself of how i felt a couple days ago when i was thinking about how the perks did not outweigh the misery. i have been nothing but happy since i came back to school as much as i was dreading it. and i know that after class when i get to come home and relax, that it was worth it to me. the materialistic stuff is cool, yes. but having that stuff doesnt make me happy with diving and it never will.

i guess ive been talking about this for a while now, but its a huge life changing decision for me. ive never experienced this carefree lifestyle where my biggest concern is making sure i get my homework done and study for tests. and i like having less stress. although, tonight i discovered a crack in the bottom of baby’s bowl. that stressed me out for a while. now i have to go buy a new one tomorrow. blah. but anyways, the point is, for the time being i need to stop being jealous of the free stuff because thats the decision i made. and i need to stand by it.

grateful.

being back at school so far has been great. i love my roommates, i love my house, and i love having the freedoms that come with being on your own. however, these past few days have brought upon some things that potentially could hurt me in the future, like money.  i have had to spend so much money in the past 2 days on grocerys and essentials for myself that it is rapidly burning a hole in my pocket. but that is not the point of this post. the point is that even with this money burdon, i am still grateful for the situation i am in. i have a nice, beautiful, homey house with good friends that dont drink, party, or have random men sleeping over. one of my friends, who will remain nameless, has not been so lucky. in the past 2 days of move in she has changed rooms twice and lost her roommate to irrelevant things. i almost feel guilty knowing how lucky i got with my situation and how much i now have to look forward to this year.

i know that people are starting to question why i am not showing up at the athletic functions this week, and that people are starting to talk, and the rumor mill is starting to spin. however, i am not letting it bother me because so far i am happy with the decisions i have made.  i know i will not have the perks that come with being an athlete like registering for classes early and getting free stuff at every event. but in my heart of hearts i know that the perks did not outweigh the misery i was putting myself through.  i know that i will probably struggle for a while with learning how to do things on my own and not have the guidence that i was provided, but i think it will also teach me to be self-sufficant, which i have had a hard time with in the past.

all in all, i am very grateful for the situation i am in right now. i still dont know where i am supposed to be in life, or if KU is really the right place for me, but the process in which i am finding out is turning out to be a good experience after all.

babyyy.

so today, i decided to curb the lonliness of being away from home and i bought myself a pet. a beta fish to be exact. she’ll be easy to take care of, low matinence, and love me unconditionally. so heres the story of how baby came to be:

i’m standing in petco after spending money at walmart on a fish bowl, rocks, and some cool tye-dye colored rock thing to go in the middle. im looking at the betas, staring at this beautiful male who was bright blue, and pooping all over the bowl. i know, grosse. but something was making me attracted to him. it was between him and this other GORGEOUS pink and purple colored one, which was way more expensive. so my roommates and i are staring at the blue beta, turning the bowl, discussing prices when some lady reaches her hand across the FOUR of us and grabs my beta. walks to the counter, and buys it. im in shock. i yell after her “I WAS GONNA BUY THAT ONE!” and she flat out ignores me and proceeds to purchase the fish and disregard the snooty comments my roommates and i were making. WHORE. so im about to cry because now im gonna have to either spend 3.99 on a small semi cute one, or spend 14.99 on a pretty one. being a college student, i dont have 14.99 to waste. thats a full meal now. so i go with the small one, who is also blue, not as pretty and doesnt poop as much. im still in shock that the one i was about to buy got stolen out of the palm of my hand. so i named her baby, and she shall be my baby. my unconditional friend. and i hope that lady’s beautiful blue beta poops so much that she has to clean his tank every freakin day.

here she is.

what i dont understand.

i dont understand why i get so upset about leaving for college.
i dont understand why i cant say whats on my mind, what im thinking, what im feeling.
i dont understand why i want things to be the way i imagine them, and why they cant be that way.
i dont understand why i get so emotional over little things, why simple things and worry make me break down.
i dont understand why i have such a huge problem with change, and why i refuse to embrace it.
i dont understand why i hold on to something that clearly is not right.
i dont understand why i care so much about making my parents happy.
i dont understand why i dont take myself away from situations that make me unhappy, and why i hold on to things that dont make me happy.

i dont understand alot of things about myself. and thats the way it is. i cant change because i dont know how to not be these things. i dont know how to make myself happy. i know what its like to feel happy, and i definetly know what its like to be unhappy. i WANT to follow happiness, and i want to WANT to change. i want things to be easier.  i want alot but alot that i cant have. so from now on, i need to focus on being happy. i need to stop wasting time being sad and wishing for things that i cant have. i need to put myself out there and the first step was standing up to my parents and telling them that im done diving. that is something i have wanted for years now and i am finally getting to experience what its like to not be consumed by athletics, and something that doesnt make me happy anymore. i need to continue to focus on making myself happy, and stop dwelling on the past.

from now on i have new goals for myself. i want to make some friends this year, go on dates, get a job i like, keep my best friends close, write in my blog everyday, and get good grades. i want to enjoy this year of college and figure out if KU is the right place for me. and i plan on finding out.

me.

“I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure, I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
-Marilyn Monroe

I read this and instantly knew that it described me perfectly. i AM selfish. i AM impatient. i AM insecure, make mistakes and am hard to handel. but i dont care. thats me. and if you dont like it then go away.  My best friend jill and i have been talking about this so much lately.  we are tired of trying to change to make people like us or to keep people around. i have never felt more like myself than recently because i have started to not care what people are thinking about me. and to be honest, if you dont like it, if you wanna judge me because i dont have a perfect body, or because im loud, or because i act like a crazy person when im having fun with my friends, then dont even bother. i sure as hell dont have anything to prove to anyone and if you dont like me then screw you.  i am me and i am tired of caring what people think. like everyone else, i have flaws, im not perfect, im myself. and if thats not good enough then you dont deserve me in your life.

if that was a vent sesh then i guess thats how it had to be said. im just tired of catering to whats acceptable to other people. if you wanna talk crap behind my back because you think you know all about me, then thats nice. you have your opinion and i have mine. and i dont want anyone in my life from now on thats gonna make me feel like im not worthy. cause i am. i just want to be happy cause thats what its all about isnt it?

the truest quote ive ever heard.

“Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. What you feel only matters to you. It’s what you do to the people you say you love, that’s what matters.”

-The Last Kiss